Rimbayu Newbie Ride.... again.

21st JULY 2019 Rimbayu Charity Ride.

How's that for a Sunday morning?...

   As the name suggested, we had another newbie ride at the same location. According to Mother Hen Dotty, the newbies enjoyed their first introductory ride here so much they couldn't help but asked for another introductory ride again. Of course, we were instructed to bring the bikes and helmets. And smile. And make sure there was enough water to wake any fainting newbie.

   Yaa daa ,Yaa daa, Yaa daa..... Sunday came. Made my way straight to the meet point. Picked up a lost Manta at the Rimbayu roundabout. Took a slower drive to cross the bridge. Didn't want the poor old Manta to rev and stress the old Opel. Was told the Opel was due to be sold for RM1.20 a kilo. Due to a leaky engine that was making Bandar Utama car park a potential health hazard. Somehow, the Old Opel read my mind. Heard Manta honking at me as i took a turn. Stopped.

   " You might wanna do something about the bike. It looks like it's going to do a jailbreak. Or give your windshield a hug..."

   Oh. Bike tried to perform an escape trick. I thought Manta was going to offer me a bun.
   How disappointing.
   Reset the bike...

   Arrived and voila....!!!
   A mini jamboree of sort was already in place. There were so many people and cars. Looked like an early morning Taichi session was about to take place.
   Parked. Got off and started unloading. Had a bit of chit chat with VC. Whispered to DotM about how healthy Dotty has become. Unker was busy giving instructions. Nobody was listening. Unker continued giving instructions. Aunty 13 came along. Flashing her Miss Ipoh smile. Ah Loy came up. Dennis came up. Both started congratulating each other on the fat level gained within the past months. Ivan came. Annie came. Newbie Vivian came grinning. Li Ann gave instruction to Connie. Connie nodded to every other living creature within her sight. Including the stray dog sleeping on the grass.

Unker failed to auction off this ...

   The usual ride briefing by Unker as the Ride Leader. Counted 50 heads. Manta was beaming with pride at the turn out. Aunty 13 continued flashing her beauty pageant smile at anyone looking at her. Dotty gave her personal briefing to the newbie in Mandarin. Then in Cantonese. All newbies nodded like obedient little goats. Vivian continued grinning.
   And away we went.
   Nonsensical chatter heard all along the warm up ride along the cemetery towards the trail head. Nobody paid any attention to the dead cat along the way. Good weather. Cool and breezy.

   Arrived at the trail head. All accounted for. This time, Li Ann managed to leave the car park and stay within the pack. Wuhoo... Unker was mighty glad he did not have to return to retrieve her. Amelia gave a briefing to the newbie on what to eat before the ride. Yong Li nodded as all good primary students do when told to line up. He even offered to put both hands on Connie's shoulder just to make sure the line was straight.
   Up the staircase we walked. Vivian attempted to ride up. Overtook Mother Hen Dotty. Vivian had the good sense to stop right before the top of the staircase. Pretended to look tired. Dotty lazer eyed Vivian from the back. I was afraid for Vivian. Amelia's continuous chatter broke the tense situation. Nobody knows exactly what Amelia was saying. I firmly told Ricky.

   " Please. No more giving that one MILO. Can't you see how hyper she is? If she continues like this the whole morning. You are gonna get kicked in the butt by 10:00 am."

   So we rode along the cool palm oil plantation for the next 30 minutes. Pretty much everyone was lost in their own thoughts. Unker continued barking out instructions. No one paid him any attention. Mother Hen Dotty had herself surrounded by her brood of chicks. Patiently keeping them in line. Pecking at those lagging behind. Reminding Connie to continue breathing. Still keeping her eye on Vivian attempting to ride up the hills. Amelia continued saying something in Cantonese. Yong Li pretending to listen. Annie and Ivan rode slower and slower on purpose i suspect.

This 2 came to upload their Facebook.

   Came to the first rutty downhill. Caught up with the newbie pack. Like obedient lemmings, all dove into the downhill. Amelia first. Then Li Ann. I took a good look and nearly had a stroke. Li Ann trying to keep up with "Milo / Sugar infused Amelia" flew off her saddle. Landed back on her saddle and happily bounced down the trail. Totally oblivious to the jaw dropping sound i made.
   Took off after her to make sure she bounced correctly. Rode down 10 meters and heard Mother Hen screaming. Looked back. Saw Connie attempting to get a mud facial while riding down the hill.

   Connie is all natural.

   She wanted to have a good look at the ground. Connie decided to bounce off her bike and take a closer look at the ground. Connie also wanted to find out how strong Dotty's heart was. Connie scraped 2 feet of the ground with her right cheek and nose. Dotty sounds really husky when she screams. Some may find a chubby woman with a husky voice sexy but that's another matter. Let's not stray away from stage diver Connie now.
   Connie stayed close to the ground for a few minutes. Dennis came running right behind to make sure the bike was not scratched. Annie sat down and took her apple out. Ivan came closer to have a look. At his age, anything further than 5 feet looks the same. Anyone further than 5 feet also looks the same. We could hear Amelia chattering away in the distance. Mother Hen Dotty sat next to Connie. Helped Connie sit up. Gave Connie water. Gently reminded Connie to breathe. Connie managed to blink twice.

   " Take your time. Breathe. This is normal. Don't panic. We have all been through this. Breathe. It's nothing new to fall down doing this. All of us have fallen down and gotten scarred doing this. "

   Dennis showed Connie his calf with a long scar on it.
   Ah Loy showed Connie how fat he has become.
   Ivan showed Connie his bald head.
   Annie chewed her apple quietly.
 
  " Look at me Connie. When i started riding MTB. I fell a lot also. Just like you, i fell face first many times. I fell so many times i lost count. I was once a "B". Now i am an "A". It's ok. Nothing to worry about.... "

   Connie caught her breathe after a few minutes. We cleaned her up as best as we could for the moment. Dennis dusted the bike. Bravely mounting her bike, Connie rode down and we caught up with the main pack of goats. Explained to the Manta what transpired. He was disappointed. He couldn't believe Annie didn't share her apple with him.

Dorothy taking photo of her nose.

   So we continued riding along the palm oil plantation and tea farm. The usual chatter heard. Took a break at the tea processing factory. The newbies decided they wanted to have a cake. Newbie also decided they wanted to sing their Sunday Mummy a birthday song. Unker barked instructions. Newbies continued singing. Unker rode off. Newbies cut cake and started congratulating each other on not dying in a tea plantation. Vivian grinned with a cheek full of cake. Like a squirrel. Except less furry.

   Finally got the newbies to continue riding and caught up with the main group. Group rode happily for 15 minutes along the tea farm. Made it to the actual apple break location. Newbie decided they wanted to continue eating their cake. Newbie ate cake and congratulated each other on not dying in a palm oil plantation.
   50 sweaty riders. Plenty of chatter. Apples. Oranges. Chocolate bar. Muesli bar. Butter cake. Grapes. Photo taking for proof that we actually rode our bikes. More chatter.

   Newbies decided to give Connie a facial. They did not want Connie to die from her wounds. Newbies somehow managed to convince Billie to share her concentrated Tea Tree Oil. Billie is a female by the way. And we do not want to know why anyone would have a bag of facial product in their cycling bag. There was a bottle of toner, cotton swab and most likely a paper face mask as well. And we also do not know why a proper decent woman would name herself after a goat. Amelia applied the oil on Connie's wounds. My eyes grew big.Connie's eyes grew as well. I don't think Amelia likes Connie very much. The rest of the newbies clapped. I cringed... I made myself a promise to never ever fall and get hurt in front of this bunch of sadist.

49 goats.

   After awhile, Unker decided it was time to go get his beer.
   Away we rode. Pretty much uneventful for the next 40 minutes as we all rode and chatted back towards the car. No more riders crashing. Apple breaks done. Cake eaten. Good weather. Everyone had a smile on their face. Mummy Hen Dotty was flushed with pride on how well her chicks performed. Vivian was grinning. Annie and Ivan didn't have to watch me repair any puncture. Albert didn't need Judy to help him push his bike to the car. Dennis and Loy couldn't wait to go get their second breakfast. Shamoon was the happiest today.
   He took a boy into the bush.

   Un'believable.  

KIARA Ride 7th JULY 2019.

Wet Wet Wet....


   The list was long. Registration almost filled to the limit. 21 Pax. Don't play play...
 Everyone calling each other Hero and Heroines even before the ride commence. All sorts of plans made. Refuelling points scouted. Chickens cleaned and primed.

PART 1. 
Bikewash / START
Office / Over time
Coronary Bypass
Magic Carpet / Magic Circle
2K to Cross Road
Kawan-Kawan
Lower Shot Chicken


PART 2.
Snakes & Ladders
Twin Peaks
chicken loop / Brew House
Pure Quill
Round the Mountain
Janie's Addiction
Boner
RnR at Desa Hartamas

PART 3.
Old Lakeside Trail
Playmates
Plan C
GBC
Wasteland
Barrakuda Out
Lower Shot Chicken

PART 4.
Dirty Deeds
Ohlins / Sidewinder
Boulder / Barakuda Out
2K Bottom Half to Crossroad 4K
Lungbuster
Bikewash / FINISH

   The plan was to complete 30km of Kiara. Then proceed to the official clubhouse for the post ride celebration. Checked. The beer promotion was still available. Up till late or last working kidney. Or whoever sings Happy Birthday the loudest.

   Come Sunday.

   Phone starts blinking like Christmas. Woke up to 154 Whatsapp Messages. Huh? Didn't we win the election already? Why the flooding? Scratched a bit of something. Spidey walk myself to the toilet for the usual pre-ride gossip reading on the the throne. Blinked.

   One by one. Riders were dropping out like dead lemmings. First out was Oily. She claims her tummy was upset with her. She couldn't find her 6 pack. Next up Jowei. He claimed he ran out of hair shampoo. VC said he felt cold all over. Bob said he was headed out towards Kiara. Then he remembered he has goat genes. Rain makes him itchy. Borky changed his mind because his twin Bob pulled out. Razlan claimed he drove all the way there to be told to go home by some superior powers that be. Pete claimed he was stuck to his toilet bowl. Ricky had no excuses. So he showed up alone at the car park. And waited like all good boys should be, when told to wait.

This is Ricky.

   Choi claimed he lost his nuts. Mei clearly told us she is allergic to Nutella. Tey suddenly developed logic. Borky re-text to claim his injured knee was still uncooperative. Dennis suddenly remembered he has a business trip to Manila on Monday. So he can't ride Kiara.
   KC woke his spirit up to go riding around the housing area lor. VC suggested someone go open Brewhouse at 8am. WC added sealant but still couldn't figure out why it continued raining. He was sure he added in the correct amount of sealant. Sealant. Not milk he stole from his kid.
   VH decided to come Kiara. For breakfast.
   5 more claimed their phone ran out battery. Unker was apologetic. He was getting married. The other UMNO boy claimed the doctor was at fault for not letting his mum rest at home and somehow, someone was corrupted. And he had to go review the video for proof. Albert had his nasi lemak at home. Gerard wished someone had sent him the tracklog for Kiara.

Mud eating party of  9.

   Ride finally took off at 9:00 am.
   9 out of 21 showed up.
   Kiara 3.0 became Kiara 4.0 hours with 12.8km distance covered.
   And the call me the Un'believable.

   My Bak Kut Teh was served piping hot. I stared at the rising steam for the longest time. Hmmm.... Pretty sure this taste much better than wet mud and sweaty apples. Went back to sleep, woke up for my Curry Fish Head lunch. Stared at my curry stained fingers, wondered how Handsome Hanz will feel now if i send him a photo of the Grouper Head i am having a staring contest with. Aunty 13 must be having so much fun watching her maid wash her poo colored jersey. Ricky... well, this one just smiles a lot. Ask him yourself when you see him.
   Sigh.... 3.0 worrr....

  Un'believable.
 

KIARA Mudd Invitation 7th JULY 2019

MUDD Kiara 3.0

   An open invitation for those whom are foolish enough to show up. The plan this Sunday is to ride till you drop in Kiara. Why you ask? Well, the old goats are getting senile. May as well enjoy what's left inside the cranium before we start losing it all. And that will also be the only way they could justify another beer run on a Sunday afternoon.
   Ride starts 7:30 am.
   Well, that's the plan. With the usual bullshit and hellos. Ride actually starts when everyone actually shows up or someone gets tired of standing around kicking pebbles into the drain.
   The last MUDD took 27km of Kiara. We gave up at 3:00pm. This time around. We are aiming for 30km. And most likely 60 mugs of beer and self congratulatory nonsense for a job well done. I suspect we will more likely achieve and surpass the 60 mugs target by 3:00pm.
   See you Mother Kiara.

Un'believable.

Saujana Putra Newbie Ride 30th JUNE 2019

Tea Plantation Newbie Introduction Ride:-

Sri Cheeding Boh Tea Plantation.

   Dotty was to be blame for this entire episode. She suggested the ride. She thought it was long overdue for us as group to host new riders to our idea of fun on a Sunday morning. Plans were made 6 weeks back. Bikes were borrowed , begged and empty promises to return it clean pledged. Helmets were also borrowed. Heck, almost everything possible was taken.
 
   Dotty showed up bright and early. She had invited 10 newbies for the ride. The old goats somehow managed to show up with 10 bikes. Some borrowed. Some lied upon to the real owners. Plan was to give the guest riders an experience on what's fun mucking around, playing with mud and spending time feeding mosquitoes on a Sunday morning instead of attending church like all good Christians should.
   Come Sunday morning. It rained. It rained cats and dogs. Messages were aplenty flying around asking if the ride would continue. I sat on the toilet bowl for a longer time that i should. Should have taken that serving of pumpkin last night i thought. But i suppose they would wait for me. Or at least 2 guest would have to wait for me, seeing that i have the 2 spare bikes for them to use. It felt good knowing you are wanted. But that will have to wait for now. I took a deep breathe and made one last squeeze, i finally made it.

   Drove to the meet point after having my coffee with Unker and Albert. Came upon the herd getting ready for their introduction to this MTB nonsense. I had a shock. There were more than 10 guest riders strolling about waiting to be dressed and served. I counted a lot of people. Unker gave a confirmation. We have 41 riders today. Oh boy.... This is either gonna be a laugh or a sobbing party. Like i mentioned in the beginning, it's all Dotty idea. If at any one time the princesses decides to cry, it's Dotty's problem. I can only promise her that my phone is fully charged. I will try to take the prettiest photo possible, and laugh only after the ride ends.

   Unker had the honor of standing on his truck and make clear that today's ride was Dotty's idea. If anything goes wrong, look for Dotty. We all nodded in unison like obedient goats. One newbie asked who this Dotty fella is and what he looks like. Ivan pointed. Annie kicked Ivan. Dennis smiled. Yeong Yeong kicked Dennis. Cecilia looked like she was in a bad dream. Amelia continued giving instructions to LeAnn, Kavi, and the young man in black. I felt like i was back in secondary school again. I can't wait for the school toilet to explode.
   So off we went.

   Everyone stuck to someone. The newbies blinked a lot. Ivan and Annie couldn't stop grinning. We pedalled off slowly on the tarmac towards the trail head which was 3km away next to a cemetery. It was all sunny and cheery as we pedalled along. My tyre went flat within 10 minutes.

Annie helping to change tube.

   It was ok. Seeing that i had the company of friends with me. Took me a good few minutes to fix up the flat. Them friends were helpful. They stood by and gave instructions like all good friends do when you are suffering a mishap. One fella even took out his camera. They never once thought of abandoning me. They waited patiently while i squatted like an old chimp peeling a mango. Of course they offered words of encouragements. They still couldn't agree if it was a mango or a nangka.

   We caught up with the rest of the pack at the trail head. Into the trail we went. Gathered everyone at the Indian Temple while Unker went searching for the one newbie. After a bit of time spent kicking branches, we found out the newbies name. LeAnn.  Turns out, the senior riders designated to babysit her were sleeping on their job. The seniors did not give LeAnn the correct instructions. LeAnn had to learn to ride the mtb all by herself. Poor thing was given 10 minutes to learn. That is old school Chinese Tiger Mum Parenting skills. Anyhoo. LeAnn made it. VC looked like he was on the verge of crying. Ricky , well ... he smiled a lot.
 Annie kicked Dennis when Dennis raised his hand to ask what's going on. Amelia continued saying something to no one in particular. Kavi stared at the palm tree for the longest time. Vivian smiled as much as Ricky. The guy in black. Well... He was cooperative.

   Unker counted the herd. All 41 accounted for. Away we went. Rode 200 meters and Unker stopped the herd. We have arrived at the promised tea plantation. I counted 30 phones. We spent the next 10 minutes politely standing around. I felt like a Japanese. Ricky and Vivian continued smiling. Siew Yung joined the smiling party. Ivan was lost for words. He asked if we plan to stop every 200 meters. We sent Ivan back towards the trail head. Ivan went off like a happy Billy Goat in search of birds to play with.

   Photos taken. Group tour continued. Lotsa smiles and happy faces.

  Ivan came back to the group and away we went. Rode 200 meters and i caught another puncture. Ivan almost had a heart seizure. Annie was having the time of her life. The 2 UMNO representative started whispering to each other quietly. Discussion done and the 2 UMNO boys stepped up.

   " Pat. It pretty obvious why you are getting a flat tyre. You are a cheapskate Chinaman. Stop buying old tubes. And this is not the way to get attention. Today, it's the newbies day. Let them have the attention they deserve. You stop doing this nonsense now. "

Dennis helping to change tube.

   If not for them having a combined height of 12 feet and 7 inches, i would have stood up to them. They were lucky. I let that remark pass. But i did take a slightly longer time to change my tube this time around. Just to get back at them. Annie was very supportive though. She smiled and kicked pebbles in my direction. Ivan gave us a grumpy puff and cycled back towards the trail head again. Dennis started to smile a lot as well.

   We caught up with the main group within minutes. Rode 800 meters this time before we came to the other photo stop. From then on, it was pretty monotonous. Newbies seemed to be enjoying themselves. No one complained or stopped to throw up their breakfast. Seng Kiat was mighty dissapointed. His guest rider was totally having a good time. We asked Seng Kiat why he looked so gloomy.

   " Understand this Pat. Derrick is my school mate. I have known him all my life. I know Derrick inside out. Derrick has a special skill. He breaks his bones all the time. He broke his bone while playing carrom. Mind you, he didn't break his finger. He broke his toe while playing carrom. You see why i am so disappointed now?"

   We could only pat Seng Kiat on his back and send him on his way.

Ivan lapping the riders out of boredom.

Apple break.

   So we rode for the next 2 hours. Stopped 4 more times to take photos. Ate some apples along the way.
   Came to to the lotus pond and spent another 15 minutes playing tourist. Then it was time to head back to the car and call it a day.

Green grass.

   All in, it was 17km of riding. Almost 3 hours of riding. No one fell. Ate a lot of mud. Derrick didn't break any bone. Dotty did not get lynched. Kavi promised to cry only after she gets home. Vivian gave many thumbs up. LeAnn was unconscious for most part of the morning. The Young Chap in Black said 2 words. Ivan wanted to go for second round. Annie threw something at him. VC was thirsty by 10am. Aric wanted to eat durian. Siew Yung agreed to everything. Ricky has 5 smelly goats to deliver back to PJ.
   Away we went in search for food.
   Another Sunday ride done and dusted. Expect those 10 fellas to walk funny in office today. Let's see how they smile with a painful butt today.

   Un'believable.

Kota Damansara Short Run 26th May 2019

Super Lazy Short Ride KDCF :-

   It's been quite awhile.
   Took off a few months not doing any blogging. Checked back and the last blog was almost an entire year ago. How time flies and how lazy i was for the past year. It's not that there was no riding done. Did the regular bit of riding as usual. Just did not discover anything interesting to whine about really.
   Many changes has happened within the span of twelve months. Change of position within the clubs. Some came, a few left. The old goats are their usual happy self. Ride. Drink. Drink. Ride and drink some more. Only difference being, now it's progressed from a coffee shop to air conditioned eateries with promotional beer. We will always have a beer promo scout within our ranks. Some one will always know the best place to get cheap ice cold beer for the least amount of money and lots of fried food. Regardless where we end up riding.
   You can be riding in some village out in godknowswhere. And we will always be able to track down after ride beer. And the beer session has improved. From 5 bottles. Now we buy beers in little printed booklets. Redeemable as long as you are able to rip the little page off. Or as long as you are able to stand and wave to the waitress. Usually some cute Pinoy girl nowadays. The waitress i mean.
   The main group decided to go swimming in Batang Kali this week. Checked Waze and it showed 81km with 90 minutes driving time. Decided to text CH and hopefully find a closer and shorter loop to ride. CH suggested KDCF. So KDCF it is then. Sent out a few invites and what do you know... 6 replies within minutes.
   Plan was set. 8:00 am at the school side. We will decide the loop when we show up.

   Next morning, did the usual rituals. Quick check on the gear and bike. Off i headed towards the meet point.
   All 6 showed up on time.
   Somebody suggested we do the old loop first. Complete it and hopefully reloop it again.
  No protest. No questions asked. Away we went. Des led the way. I swept 2 aunties and 2 old uncles. The young ciku latched on to Des for the climb towards the first check. Ran into an old friend. Had a quick chat with him. Looked at his still recovering leg. Laughed about it. He showed me his newly acquired screws on his titanium femur. I congratulated him on not dying from the scratch. Wished him and took off to chase the few old folks.

   Caught up with them old fellas at the picnic tables. Chit chat session number one started. Spoke mostly about how a mistake about spelling caused a cycling buddy to lose his manhood. It is critical that you get your spelling right before you get a tattoo. I learnt now. "A" is not for elephant. Andy starts with "A". A few more points raised about why it's not wise to have stickers on your bike with someone else's name on it. Or having someone else's bike kept in your car and home. Or having someone else having breakfast in your car on a Sunday morning. It was very confusing for me. I clearly remember my kindie teacher saying "aliphant" to me when we visited the zoo. How now?
   Anyhow, it was a few minutes before we decided to head towards Serenity to count the actual quantity of fallen trees.


   And away we went.
   Counted 5 fallen trees. Aunty 13 was visibly upset at the third tree. She couldn't figure out why there was no stool placed there for her convenience. She had to climb over the tree. Drag her bike over it. Catch her breath. Rearrange her hair. Check her makeup. Mount her bike. Then continue riding.
   Oh. The inconvenience of it all.
   Took another break at the junction of Serenity and Scouts. Took the obligatory photos of some primates before we proceeded towards the hut for a conference on the next course of action.


   We reached the hut. Caught Choo whom was equally confused to see us riding in KDCF without his permission. Somehow managed to convince him that it was all CH's fault. He reluctantly gave us his blessing. Took VC 30 seconds to bravely declare.

   " Let's go. Let's run the Scouts Loop. Come. No dilly dally. Let's do this before i change my mind"
 
   How courageous we thought. Then someone checked his watch.
   Oh. It's 10:30 am. Brew House opens at 11:00am. This fella is in a hurry. A thirsty man is an angry man. Never ever stand between VC and his cold beer. Not especially on a Sunday morning.
   Obediently we rode towards Scouts. Did the usual regroup at Scout's junction. Took more photos of primates. Away we went towards the lake. Did the loop within 23 minutes.
   All came out in one piece. CH was mighty pleased with himself for not sweating too much. VC now feels vindicated for his beer reward. Aunty13 was still grumpy that the stool wasn't prepared for her. Oily slept at most of the tables that we found. Des did something. Young Ciku Wang just mostly smiled a lot for no reason at all. Choo was somewhere in the trail saying something in Cantonese.
   Not too bad for a short run.
   Loaded the bike and changed.
   Waited for Teres and Swenson to show up and give us permission to leave.
   Permission granted.
   Towards the coffee shop we went.

   We had 4 Tiger beer and a full bellied lunch. Everyone was smilling. Even Aunty13. And Oily managed to stay awake this time around. Des took over Wang's role. He smiled a lot for no reason at all.

   Un'believable.

Sungai Buaya Ride 29th July 2018

Up North Sungai Buaya Ride:

   This week's ride location offered by Borky. Someone said it sounded like a good idea, and away we went to explore it. With the promise of a fairly flat trail plus a few river crossing. It was decided. Sungai Buaya it will be it for this Sunday.

Desmond getting his tools ready for ride.

   0800 hours meet up time set at the school and the old goats started trickling in slowly. It was a really lazy morning, you could see it in their face. I for one, wanted to go back to sleep. It was a 65km drive. Where is that little Hobbit? Made me drive all the way, it had better be a good ride. Last rode here a few years ago, vaguely recalled getting roasted. The Hobbit was adamant this will be worth the trouble. The GPS tracklog clearly indicates a flat trail that flows for 25km. With this good weather, we will be out in no time. Mind you, that's what the Hobbit said. And conveniently, he doesn't own a GPS. How that makes sense is beyond me.
 
   Its was a 3 sentence ride briefing by Borky and we took off.

   Tarmac for 2km before we arrived at the trail head located behind a row of houses. Up and away. I don't know why nobody asked why there was a climb right smack at the beginning of the ride when the Hobbit clearly indicated this was a Changi Airport elevation ride. The lemmings rode up obediently. Most rode, the other half walked. Grouchy of course wanted to cross check his GPS before the climb. Grouchy was unconvinced that the elevation was accurate.. Manta kicked a pebble. Lina gave us her Ultraman stare. KY and Nat took the opportunity to stop and pretend to snap some pictures. Dotty wanted to eat something. Hanz thought he looked the most handsome today. Swenson was also convinced Hanz was the most handsome this Sunday.

   First regrouping executed at the top of the 50 meters walk. Manta turned green. He had to take leave. Received a call from home. Urgent matters. Manta left us in a hurry. I knew then, this was gonna turn into a circus. Manta is the only few that is able to maintain some resemblance of sanity and control within this herd. With him gone, we could only hope for the best. I wanted to cry.

   And a circus it became. More like a gay parade on Christmas if you ask me.

Circus performers getting ready.

  Last group of 8 riders came out at 1 noon. From the other side of the trail, away from the track log. Like 5km away. The group got lost and went in circles for an hour. Thank goodness for the local orang asli dude that came riding along with his moped. He pointed us out. Otherwise, we could have been stuck inside for a much longer time. I was afraid for ex-beauty queen Miss Ipoh Year 1999, she was in so much pain. I really did not want to get stuck in a palm oil plantation with nothing to eat but a scrawny ex-beauty queen. Salt baked free range chicken is not exactly on my list of favourite food. Very boney and salty... But heck, if i need to eat to survive. I will do it for the sake of continuity. I did find a very big stick along the way. Will be useful to put the queen to sleep before we decide who gets what ....
 
   Simply put, 8 riders got separated from the herd. Upon reaching back at the car, 1 rider wanted to eat the Hobbit. 2 wanted to give him a affectionate kick in the butt. Miss Ipoh said something very affectionate in Cantonese that sounded like a bird chirping " tiew tiew tiew....". I  accidentally dropped my big stick on the way out.
   Damm.

   Credit must be given to the Hobbit though. He did not flinch in the face of the storm. He kept his smile and slowly moved to the back of Chee Hong for safety. Then he managed to diffuse the situation by recommending the fine Chinese Restaurant for lunch. With air-con of course. All tension disappeared. The herd headed towards their car.
   A few started applauding each other for the good ride done for the week. Swenson and Desmond complimented Hanz on his good looks. Choi walked back to his car to start the process of removing his makeup. Aric continued walking in circles. Borky scampered back to the safety of his car. And the herd headed off for the real purpose they came on a hot Sunday morning. Cold beer and bull stories.

   After the debacle on Sunday. A few points needed to be addressed and given attention before we continue going around like a sorry troop of headless chicken for future rides. This would probably help get the group more organized. In view that a right and proper search and rescue operation actually cost a lot of money. Money that can be used for much better things, such as buying ice cold beer. Which is higher on the priority list than locating a lost fellow rider anyways.

Ex- Beauty Queen from before Year 2000.
   There should be a blanket ban on ex-beauty queens joining in future rides. They scream when they spot a leech. They scream going downhill. They scream when they get cramps. They also scream when you offer them melting candy. And they eat a lot when they get cramps. And they continue screaming after eating of course...

Pregnant Women.
   Pregnant women should not be allowed to join in the ride. Their screams are confusing. We had a lot of trouble trying to differentiate their screams from the ex-beauty queen's scream. The pitch is very similar. It was almost an hour of watching our Ipoh Queen scream from cramps, we still could not be sure if she was having cramps or going into labour. With closed eyes, you would think you are in a maternity room with a cigar ready... or standing next to an ex-beauty queen suffering from life threatening cramps.

GPS Device Guidelines.
   All GPS owners need to be guided clearly on what is a proper functioning GPS device.
   A GPS with a flat battery is a brick.
   A brick cost 50 cents. Buy a brick. Its more cost effective.
   8 riders lost in the trail. 2 had bricks strapped to their bike.
   Duh.

Eye Test.
   It is mandatory for all participating riders to get their eyes checked and certified from their optometrist. It is very important that all riders should be able to see what they doing and where they are going.
   Within the lost troop, our lone rider with a GPS strapped to his wrist was as useful as a blind guide dog. His GPS was working. His eyes however, was not working so well.
   He kept saying " I can see the the track log. I don't understand why there are 2 lines running parallel to it though. Which to follow ah? Left line or right line....??"
   We were unsure which eye he was using at that point of time, we were busy attending to the ex-beauty queen with life threatening cramps.
   I held on to my faith in humankind for as long as i could. I also know premeditated murder is a non bailable offence. I put my big stick aside for the beauty queen instead.

Biology Class.
   We strongly recommend all rider to dig out their old biology book and do a revision on their biology again. Specifically on how a muscle actually looks like. Muscle on a human, not a cow. It was almost an hour of staring at Miss Ipoh 1999's cramping thigh that raises this important issue. Miss Ipoh was adamant she suffered an unusual growth on both her thighs. She claims the growth is crooked and going sideways. We were unable to convince her that the growth is actually part of her leg. I kept my stick on standby. Teres continued blinking.

Training on Direction.
   All riders must be convinced on the age old rule of thumb practised by our forefathers pre-GPS times.
   If you take all the right turns, you WILL end up going in circles. Regardless what that brick on your handlebar tells you.
   Even if you see two parallel lines.
   Or hear what vaguely sounds like a beauty queen giving birth in a palm oil plantations.

   A smiling Grouchy on a weekday in office is a rare occurrence. Tubeless or not.

 

Borky back home.

   Un'believable.
 

15th JULY 2018 Saujana Putra Ride.

Saujana Putra Drinking Session:-

   It was a disaster. Even before the ride took off, everything that could go wrong went wrong. Murphy came to visit.

   What was supposed to be a birthday bash ride turned into a circus. Counted a bunch of goats at the meeting point. Said hello and hi, walked into the mamak to get my breakfast. Sat down and waited patiently. I was early, so coffee was the only thing on my still sleeping head. Watched the goats perform their pre-ride ritual. The usual routine. Polish bike. Lube chain. Choi putting on make up. KY talking to his son, his son looking at the distance nodding to him. Jesse speaking to his knee.

   My breakfast came. That's when the circus started.

   Jesse came in and tried to get a shower with the roti canai dhall curry. Everything flew. Jesse screamed like a girl on heat. Indian men almost gave Jesse a hug. VH of course ran for cover. VC stood up ready with his teeth clenched. Pete almost choked on his bread. CH kept his grin on. KY had to comfort his son.
   Managed to restore order. Jesse tried to explain what he did. Everyone nodded and said ok. Someone reminded him to pay for the roti he spilled on the floor. And stay in his seat till we have all left. I held on to my roti with dear life.

   Choo came mumbling something in Cantonese. He couldn't drive in from Kemuning because there was a fun run going on. Poor fella had to make a 15km detour. Unker offered him coffee. Choo farted his gratitude. Then Lina called. She was also caught in a jam. PJ marathon. Unker wanted to tell Lina that we are 30km away from PJ. What was she doing driving in PJ in circles? Lina hung up before Unker could ask. Lina walked in the mamak within seconds. Till now, we are unsure who was lying.

   Breakfast done. Something said about the ride and 4 cartons of ice cold beer waiting for us if we do the loop and we took off. Headed towards Bukit Kemandol orang asli settlement.
   We rode for 230 meters. Security Guard told us to stop at the boom gate. Guard on duty refuses to let us pass. Guard was firm. He was concern that we would be a danger to the fun runners coming our way at 10 am.  I looked at my watch. It was 8:03 am. Unker tried to reason with the Guard. Guard refuses to believe that we were all there to attend a birthday party. Guard also did not believe that Chinese Men drinks beer on a Sunday.
   Guard said something in Tamil which translates to..."You fellas don't lie to me. I've been around long enough. You Chinese fellas don't drink beer, Whisky maybe. But beer on a Sunday?? Please la Thamby."
   We were all in shock...
   How could he call Unker a Thamby?? Unker is easily 50 years old liao. Thamby? Kaw chorr aa...?

   We walked across to the road running parallel to the boom gate and continued riding. We waved good bye to the Guard. Guard looked mighty pleased with himself. Unker's mouth was open and speechless for quite awhile.

First road block.

   It was a 3km tarmac ride towards the start point. We lost Unker at the 2km mark. The group continued towards the trail head and decided to stop and maybe try to locate Unker. We were concerned. How are we to invite ourselves to the ice cold beer if the host is missing? Going to the police station to lodge a missing persons report seemed like a lot of work in exchange for ice cold beer. We were left with no choice but to have an impromptu apple break. Manta was mighty pleased.

   Manta called Unker. Unker wasn't missing. Unker went back to the mamak to retrieve Grouchy. Grouchy was still asleep when we witnessed Jesse performing the roti dance. Grouchy decided to clear his bowels instead of rushing to be on time. Grouchy was late, and he did not even manage to switch on his GPS. Grouchy was still unsure if the GPS file was in gpx form or e file. Poor Grouchy. We were very sympathetic to his troubles. A few wanted to kick him. Someone suggested throwing his GPS up into the huge angsana tree and hope for the best. Hanz wanted to say something to Grouchy in Hakka which was very encouraging, if you want to challenge a Hakka to a fist fight that is...
 
   Finally got the ride proper started.
   It was 23km of going around in circles.
   We rode into the palm oil plantation. Came to the first of 15 tea bushes. Stopped to take the first of the thousands of selfies. Continued riding. Came to the next round of tea bushes. Did the selfie thingy again. And that was that. 3 hours of riding in circles and taking selfies. KY Junior was on the verge of committing harakiri. Hanz was disappointed no one complimented him on how handsome and good looking he was. CH was still unsure on how he was going to explain his Gopeng trip cancellation to his wife due to stomach upset. VC was sure Croatia will be champions. VH said something to himself. Little Hanh kept grinning. Poor Borky was all alone with his pills. CEO was with us all in spirit, 45% proof. Oily flew us her airplane...

The look of joy...

   Someone finally said enough was enough. And we started heading back towards the car.
   Unker was spoken to. He gave us assurance that the beer would definitely be cold and the curry chicken would be spicy and hot. The pack left Unker by the roadside.

   The beer was ice cold.
   Somebody bought KFC.
   We ate our cake and sang Unker a song.
 
   Un'believable.

Jesse enjoying the view.

Pee contest .

Manta.

Lite & easy ride this weekend at Saujana Putra as we went exploring a lovely loop set up by Unker Danny in his homeground designed specially to initiate beginners into the joy of mountain biking! Measuring a bit over 23km, the scenic singletrack led to a rather beautiful lake, probably an ex-mining pool.
And no big hills and every track was rideable as long as you are fit.
Of course highlight of the day was the party post-ride at Unker Danny's home to celebrate his 35th birthday. Many thanks for the free flow of beer and great spread of food and happy birthday again Unker.
Looking forward to the next beginners' or night ride there!

KY Chan.

Unker Danny Birthday Ride. Supposed to start early but as usual. Patrick Toh wanted his his milk tea and flooded roti delayed the start. Never knew there was a MTB gem right in the middle of Bandar Saujana Putra. After some commtion with a security guard who fear MTBiker run over pedestrians ( there was a run-with-me event. ) We snucked into a strangely beautiful MTB trails along some lakes, palm plantations, tea plantations, estate bungalow and orchards. The ride was pleasant and the trail certainly suit for PCC's newbie ride. The ride ended with a Birthday bash in Unker's home.
Happy birthday Unker Danny!