Bromo Day 3 Ride.

Mendek / Tutur Welang Trail.

   Woke up to a splitting headache. Learnt something new today. Cheese does not go well with whisky and Cantonese break up songs.
   Final day of ride today. The group will be splitting up today. 7 first timers will be headed off to visit the volcano before doing a 35km downhill loop, then meet us up at Tutur Welang bike park for a round of white knuckled downhill run. The rest of us will be taken for a gnarly technical downhill drop in Mendek before proceeding to Tutur Welang. Apparently this technical bit helps with indigestion.
   Team Bromo left at the break of dawn. The rest of us had a lazy breakfast before heading out at 0830 hours towards Mendek.

   Seeing that today will be a last run. Most of the guys decided to take an easy pace. Antony was told to keep the pace at a retiree pace. Off we went towards Mendek. A lazy 35 minutes drive to the trail head. This was to be a new trail that Antony found only weeks before. Even our guide Bayu and Indra has never ridden it.
   Trail description. Easy ride through a village. Enter farm land. Start of gnarly descent. 200 meters of tight criss crossing switchbacks. Regroup at bamboo forest. 100 meters of sheer drop into razor sharp rocks. 75 degrees at most. Then fast high speed single track before the village. From there on, it was a leisurely ride through sugar cane plantations. Ending up at the school field with cold beer in the van.
   The ride was pretty uneventful. The few suicidal riders rode down the technical bit. Then it was an easy chatty pace through the villages. The pace was so leisurely that Grouchy felt guilty for going so slow. He felt obliged to go take a dump at one of the villagers home. At his age, taking a dump in the open was a wee bit breezy for the old nuts to bear with.
   Between Indra and Bayu, Indra drew the short straw. Indra had no choice but to accompany him. Grouchy doesn't speak Javanese. Grouchy wasn't convinced we would not leave him for good in the middle of East Java. Antony did not give Grouchy a track log. Taking a dump alone is boring.
   We waited an hour.
   Indra came back looking like he attended a dear friend's funeral.

   Arrived at the van and away we packed up towards Tutur Welang. An hour of weaving country roads.
   Arrived at Tutur Welang. Found the rest of the 7 riders waiting for us. They had a gala time visiting the volcano. Aldrich did not get mistaken for a lamb and gotten himself thrown into the volcano. Tycoon smiled when we complimented him on his Italian Job last night. Ivan just smiled to everyone he saw. Ivan was simply glad he did not get left behind at the crater.

Tycoon's was told cycling would help him lose weight.

   As usual, we broke into the two designated groups. By now, most already knew where their pecking order position was. This was to be a 15 km of pure bomb down through the forest. We will be riding between trees. We will be churning through plantations. We will be in between dry river beds. Expect some jumps and bumps beneath the dry leaves. And loose rocks the size of your fist.
   And bomb through we did. Tailook was the first casualty. He decided to have a better look at the loose rocks on the ground , while travelling at breakneck speed. Tailook stopped very quickly using his right calf and thigh. We congratulated Tailook on him managing to sweep through the trails without scratching his bike. Then Jowei decided to give one of the trees a hug using his left shoulders. Part of his jersey remains on the tree. Bike got off scratch free. These are a bunch skillful riders. No matter what happens, the bikes are always looked after. To say that the guides were impressed would be an understatement.

   Ended the ride at the river. All arrived with a frozen grin on the face. Jowei looked slightly whiter than his usual self. Slapped each other on the back and headed towards the lorry. Gave the bikes to our guides and prepared to get onto the lorry for another round round of descending. Spotted Indra whispering something in Javanese on the phone.
   Indra received a distressing call from Antony. Team A had a casualty. Seems someone took a tumble and needed medical attention. Group decided there and then that we will wait and do an assessment when the injured party arrives.
   It was an hour of waiting. Desmond took a tumble and hurt his stomach. Group decided that we will not continue anymore. Ride ends. Desmond gave us the thumbs up and we packed up for the 2 hour journey towards Halogen Hotel. Our final stay before flying off back home tomorrow.

   Arrived at Halogen. Checked Desmond in for a rest and hope he would feel better after a clean shower. The herd prepared for dinner. Dinner was to be in Layar Seafood Restaurant.
 
   Layar Seafood Restaurant was 17km away. Took us 55 minutes to travel the 17km. A few fellow riders had to be resuscitated upon arrival. It was a long long drive... We drove past 3 McDonald's and 1 Starbucks. We could only stare and wave in hunger. VC looked like he just had his heart broken for the first time.

Entrance to Layar.

   For the unenlightened few. Layar happens to be THE seafood restaurant in Surabaya. Jaws dropped when the van came to a stop at the entrance. Being such a high end establishment. The concierge did what any proper concierge would do upon seeing 3 white dusty vans pull up at their door step. The concierge went for a smoke.
   To put the experience in context.
   Imagine being in love. You are 21 again. Young. Wide eyed. Innocent. Clueless. Hopelessly romantic. The other half whisks you away for dinner in Layar. Promises you a time of your life. You arrive in Layar. The crab and prawns are getting a manicure. The fishes are having their scales arranged. Lobster getting a wax and polish so they look their best. Everyone in the restaurant dressed to the nines. And i am referring to the waiters, not the guest. You get chaperoned to your seat. You get the best selection of fresh seafood. Your partner is charming to a fault. A bottle of wine notwithstanding. Your emotions gets drowned in overwhelming affection for all things sweet and fluffy. Only thing missing would be the single knee and ring shimmering, blinding you... Then your partner tells you he wants to break up with you.
   This was how it felt in Layar.
   Layar is where you take people to, when you plan to terminate your relationship with them. It's the same as getting your last meal before they hang you. You get to eat the best meal of your life before they exterminate you.
   It was forgettable.
   The fish served on the table looked like an Ethiopian. Vegetables was as limp as Oily's hair. We could count our fried petai. Our prawn looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger's cousin. The lobster at the next table looked like it just got a fresh coat of car lacquer. And a wax.
   We could only stare in shock. Krankster smiled for the longest time. For the first time, his nuts was the tastiest thing on the table. VC looked like he had his heart broken for the second time on the same night.
   Our bill came up to almost 7 million rupiah for a party of 20.
   A few needed resuscitation before we could make our way out from the restaurant.
   We found Ben and Antony waiting for us at the van. I have never seen a smile so big on anyone's face before. Ben and Antony had the best fried rice in Surabaya at the warung outside. Something caught me in the eye. Had to shed a tear. Ben smiled and patted me on the back. I wanted to chew his nose off...

   The drive back to Halogen was as silent as a winter's night.
 
   Un'beliveable.

 

Bromo Day 2 Ride.

Day 2 Mount Kemiri / Tea Plantation Ride.

Towards Mount Kemiri.

   It's gonna be messy today.
   We will be visiting Mount Kemiri first for the proper group photo. Or getting documented correctly for the Home Minister, depending who you speak to. Plan was to run Mount Kemiri, then do another run in Wonosari Tea Plantation in Mount Arjuna. We are hoping to complete the ride without any of the drunkards falling off into a ravine or ending up in the middle of some tea plantation thinking they are behind Unker's house.
   As usual, herd gathered at the lobby. Into the vans and away we went, transported towards the trail head. This time passing by lotsa quaint Javanese villages along the way. Watched plenty of kids and mummy fussing around as we drove past like a bunch of tourist pretending to be Pro Riders from somewhere. At least that's what Manta told the check in lady pre-flight. The lady was shocked to see so many old people lugging in boxes and boxes of oversized luggage. Manta somewhat managed to convince the lady that we were representing Malaysia at the annual Bromo Bike Fest, in the "Retiree" Category. For that, all of us got 3 free "Fragile" stickers on our bike box. Badge of honour pre-flight. I felt like Contador.
   Arrived at the trail head. This time around, we are starting off midway up a hill with a 2 km climb before descending into their version of Mini Kiara. Then past 2 villages before going into the high speed descent. When Antony said high speed, what he meant was our brakes made redundant. It was to be white knuckled high speed single tracks all the way towards the clearing for our group photo. Having ridden this 2 years ago, i knew what to expect. I was only hoping there would not be any chickens crossing the trail midway today. It would be ugly having to swallow live chicken feathers midway.
   So, off we went.
   White knuckle it was. Even Captain America screamed. And scream he did. Our Guide, Bayu stopped and asked me what happened back there. I had to calm Bayu down. Bayu thought one of our girls flew off the cliff. He heard a scream akin to a woman being kicked in the groin. In trying to keep up with Bayu, I took a corner too fast at a rocky outcrop. Planted the front wheel on a rock the size of a coconut. Rock decided to jump ship. Rock took my front wheel along. The rest of the bike decided to tag along. Bike fell off the ridge. Ridge was a 20 foot drop to the right side of the ledge. A little tree stepped in to help stop the runaway bike. Captain America behind me screamed for the love of the bike. He was really worried. He really didn't want to see the bike get scratched. We both somehow managed to retrieve the bike. Thanked the little tree and caught up with Bayu. Smiling as we arrive of course. Captain America was drenched in sweat and wet at the pants.
   The entire herd trooped in to the clearing where we will be taking our group photo. We needed photographic proof of us actually riding. Krankster Yong decided to walk instead of cycle. Krankster also decided to cycle single leg for the rest of the day.

Obedient sheeps.

   22 camera phones came out snapping.
   We spent an hour taking photos of the scenery. The grass. The goats. Each other. Then the scenery again because the lighting was better now. Then the bikes. Exchanged phones and took photos of each other using someone else's phone. It was an hour well spent.
   Antony and Gery tried to figure out how Krankster managed to break his crank AND shifter. They gave up after an hour. Krankster decided to go Lefty for the rest of the day.

Krankster #1

Krankster #2

   It was confusing times. We somehow managed to limp Krankster out towards the lorry. It was 30 minutes of going downhill. Arrived at the lorry and Frank generously decided to give up his bike to Krankster in exchange for 3 cans of beer back at the hotel. We gave Frank 5 cans instead. Both went off patting each other on the back for a compromise done.

Indra the Guide.

   Onto the lorry we hopped.
   Wonosari Tea Plantation next.
   Another 25 minutes of squatting in the lorry before we arrived at the tea plantation.Then another 30 minutes of driving around the tea plantation before we finally managed to locate the rest of the herd. Claimed our bikes. Obediently split into the designated group and off we went. Letting Team A lead the way. Team A took off.
   Team A stopped after 30 meters. Their leader was so fast he kicked the pedal right off his crank. The leader was unhappy Krankster had all the attention earlier. Leader wanted his share of the attention. Leader somehow managed to break the bearings on his Egggbeater pedal. Leader got his share of attention. Team B overtook Team A. We smiled as we rode past Leader. Somebody politely farted as we rode past.

Pee Plantation Visit.

   Tea Plantation was almost like being back home in Rimbayu. Pleasant and cool.
   It was 20 minutes of single tracks and shaded dusty trails before we emerged at another local village. Lorry was parked at the community field. Frank had his share of beer.
   Had our beer. Took more photos. Back towards the hotel within minutes. VC and Captain America had a beer schedule to keep up with. It was to be another 2 hour break before dinner. We are going Italian tonight... Don't ask me why we fly to Indonesia for pasta and cheese. I did say these were confusing times.

Never soak your bun in water overnight. This is the end result.

  Dinner was at Signora Pasta. It was a joke. We did not get anything to eat again for an hour and a half. Typical of all Italian restaurant, the chef / owner decided that singing was more fun than cooking. Owner also prefers to chit chat to the diners while the diners waits and goes hypoglycemic. We waited. And we waited. Food came at a snail's pace. Pasta came before coffee. Hainanese Chicken Chop got served. Nobody order Chicken Chop, whatmore Hainanese Chicken Chop. Chef decided to leave the kitchen midway to sing another English song in Italian. All in, most of us managed to get something to eat. Regardless what you actually order. You just eat whatever is served. This is an Italian restaurant after all. It's the ambiance that matters. Food is secondary.

   After eating 3 slices of pizza, Tycoon thumped his chest and announced that he has consumed enough cheese to speak passable Italian. Tycoon decided to go chat with the owner in the kitchen. Tycoon stormed into the kitchen and said something to the owner. With lotsa hand and finger movements of course. Italian is best spoken with your hands. Owner smiled, nodded and gave Tycoon assurance that Tycoon will get his "special pizza" with "special cheese" tonight. And the "special pizza" will be complimentary....

   I'll be completely honest.
   I don't know nuts about Italians or Italian chefs.
   Where i come from. When you walk into the kitchen to tell the Chef how to do his job. And the chef smiles at you. Then offers you his signature "special dish". That usually means someone is gonna be spitting in your "special dish". Or you are getting your chicken dipped in the toilet bowl before it gets fried to crispy perfection.
   Unker Danny was a wise man that night. Despite all of Tycoon's coaxing, Unker stood firm. He refuses to eat his share of the "special pizza". Tycoon and Captain America thought the pizza had just the right amount of saltiness to it. "Perfecto" if you speak Italian. The Chef was smiling and waved us good bye. Oh how polite this Italian is...One thing i learn, alway be wary of small short friendly polite smiling chefs. Regardless if they are Italians or Hokkiens.

   Drinking helps numbs your senses.
   Thank god we had Single Malt and beer back at the hotel....
   It helped to ease the pain of knowing the real truth.

   Un'beliveable.

Bromo Day 1 Ride.

Day 1 Ride:- Mount Mujur.

Mount Mujur Groupie

   Ride proper begins today.
   The herd assembled at the lobby and off we went. Today's ride will be at Mount Mujur. Plan was, do a double loop around Mount Mujur. Then return back to Harris Hotel for more beer drinking before heading out for dinner.
   Breakfast at the local stall by the roadside before heading up into Mount Mujur. As usual, Antony pretended to listen to all the food request and what who prefers and don't prefer. Everyone ended up with Nasi Soto Ayam. Dotty ate someone else's of course. Then she proceeded to eat her own portion.

Nasi Soto Ayam

   Before anyone realized anything, Antony chased and whipped the herd into their respective lorry for the ride up to Mount Mujur Trailhead. We checked the toilet to make sure Fong was not lost inside the toilet. Lorry took a breezy 30 minutes to go up the mountain. Krankster hopped off looking a wee bit woozy. He was smiling more than his usual self.

   " Is it me or anyone else feels woozy and happy?"

   CT and VC stared at Krankster in wide eyed disbelief. This fella must have been drinking the beer behind our back. How come he is woozy and happy at this hour? What time did Krankster wake up today? We need to be more vigilant. Something does not add up. Didn't we agree to go sleep and stop drinking at sunrise? Eh.....

   Bikes checked. Water bladder filled. Biological bladder cleared. Antony said something about the trail going up and down somewhere. Everyone pretended to listen and said hooray. Some clapping for godknowswhat. And on saddle we went. Up this pebble strewn trail that gradually leans upwards. Annie decided to take a break after 6 meters. Started flipping and speaking to her bike in Hakka. Ivan pretended to show some concern for the RM40 lucky draw bike. We all stopped to stare as usual. Gery the guide poked the bike in the ass a few times. Voila... Problem solved. Nothing a simple Javanese magic and chant can't resolve.
   Team A. The so called fast team went off first. Like lightning they disappeared. "Shazam!" someone said. Team A left us in a cloud of dust.
   Team B cursed in Hakka. Hokkien. Hainanese and Javanese.
   We were in Team B.
   Waited for the dust to settle before proceeding.
   Team B took off at a leisurely pace. Team B stopped after 15 minutes to speak to Annie's bike again and take photos. Team B remembered that they were on a holiday. Team B smiled for photos. Annie smiled as well. Ivan's smile was stuck on his face ever since he left Bukit Jalil.
   Team B was busy taking blurfie with Manta's camera when Krankster started pointing towards the sky. Short of shouting " Ze plane ze plane like that Hobbit in Fantasy Island". We thought Krankster was a wee bit too happy this morning.
   Turns out, Team B accidentally stopped and took a wefie while Mount Semeru erupted.
   Team B morphed into Team Japanese tourist. I counted 7 camera phones within moments.
   Click click click....

Mount Semeru showing off in the distance.

   We only took 3 videos and probably 49 photos of the volcano erupting in front of our eyes. Team B got tired of watching the smoke plumes floating into the stratosphere after 10 minutes. Team B decided to continue cycling. Team B finally caught up with Team A at the wooden shack. Team B congratulated Team A for being Shazam like.
   Fast. Race pace. Efficient. Elbows tucked in. Heads down. Aero position engaged. Butt high and tight for maximum power delivery. Dotty was beaming with pride. Hanz and Aldrich strutted around like Alpha Peacocks with tail wing widely spread out for all to see and admire. Swenson and Desmond were on the verge of thumping their chest like proud silver back gorillas. Team B told Team A about the volcano eruption they just witnessed..

   Team A stopped talking to Team B for the rest of the day.

   After our usual obligatory apple break. It was the start of our first downhill run.
   Seeing that both teams were no longer on talking terms for the day. Team A took off.
   "Shazam...!"

   Downhill run was typical of all trails in Bromo. First sector was through canopied bamboo forest. Then comes the single tracks. And the rock strewn single tracks. Along comes the dusty bits. Each time i come to visit Bromo, i rediscover my faith in God and prayers. All i could do was squint and hope for the best. A Chinaman squinting is taking things to the extreme. I couldn't see anything for 15 minutes. All i heard was rocks flying against the bikes and a lot of old men screaming like little girls. And Hainanese swear words. Trail finished at the local village. We spotted Team A refilling water and beer as we arrived. The usual compliments for Team A of course. I took a photo with a goat.


   A brief stop and we packed up for the second run at Mount Mujur. Another 30 minutes of chatter before we arrived back at the same trailhead. Lube the chain. Re-adjusted the squinty eyes. Off we went again. Shazam..! Of course. Team A disappeared. A few decided to jump ship from Team A. Nope. Mount Semeru did not want to fart this time around. No erupting volcano this round. More la la chatter before we caught at the same hut. Now it was to be another downhill run off Mount Mujur using a different route.
   Took off.
   We lost half of Team A after 3 turns.
   It was another 25 minutes before Indra and Bayu managed to locate the 6 lost riders. Post mortem on the trail. It was Dotty's fault apparently. Tycoon said he missed the left turn because he couldn't see past Dotty's butt. Dotty said she was not at fault. Dotty blamed mass added with momentum. Dotty claimed she was only to be blamed for the mass bit. Momentum compounded with mass is no fault of hers. Velocity is Einstein's doing, not hers. Those 6 flew past the turn and ended up at another peak. Tailook said he was obediently following Dotty and Tycoon. Jowei said he wanted to see the volcano. We don't know who the other 2 were. No one owned up to it. Despite us asking. Everyone stared at the ground. Ivan was of course smiling. VC said we shouldn't be wasting time arguing when we could be back in the hotel drinking beer. I took a pee at the bush.
   Antony's jaw dropped open for a few moment. He was either impressed with the groups vast knowledge in physics or he now realises how screwed he really is for the next 3 days.

   Team A took off.

Team B Gopro view.

   Team B strolled along. The usual single tracks and dusty trails. Almost entirely downhill for the next 20 minutes. Tycoon tried to catch Antony. He wanted to personally have a word with Antony. Tycoon did not understand why Antony did not switch off the magnets he laid down in the single tracks. Doesn't Antony realize we are riding mountain bikes not KTM trains? How are we to ride if the magnets continously pull our bikes into the middle of the single track all the time? Eh....

   Upon hearing this, Aunty13 decided to lie down.

Aunty13 looking for rainbows.

   After 15 minutes of prayers and Javanese magic, Aunty13's legs decided to listen to her. Finally made it out to the trail after passing by a few quaint villages. Saw more goats. Stopped to take photos with a flock of ducks swimming in the paddy field. Waved and high five'd a couple of school kids. Winked at a few Javanese girls in their sarong. Pretty much a ride through the local farm and kitchen.

Team B GoPro view.

Ducks watching Team B ride past.

   Team A saw a lot rocks.

Team A view for day 1. 

   CT and VC were both over the moon when Antony announced the ride for Day 1 was over. Back to Harris Hotel we headed. It was another 3 hours before dinner. Plenty time to catch up on loss beer drinking time.
   Dinner was a riot.
   Everybody didn't get anything to eat for 90 minutes. VC was in agony. Poor man had no beer the entire time. CT did his best to console him. Antony's smile was frozen for the longest time. Krankster ate a few packets of peanuts. Aunty13 continued talking to her frozen legs. Aldrich continued smiling to no one in particular. Fong wandered off somewhere, came back and still had nothing to eat.

   Dinner served.
   Dinner done within minutes.
   Harris Hotel.... Tonight is officially Single Malt night. Karaoke in full session. Captain America managed to pull out a mini karaoke set from his luggage. Team B sang Chinese songs. Team B sang old people songs. Unker sang a Hindi song about an elephant. Aunty13 sang her wedding song. Aunty13 sang her high school graduation song. Desmond wanted to sing some girly Bon Jovi song. Fong went exploring. Manta requested an Indonesian song in memory of his maid. Aunty13 sang her 18th birthday song. VC nodded to all the songs. Oily wanted to mop the staircase. Krankster did a Swiss rain dance.

   I was surprised the police did not knock on our door.
   We only lost Tycoon and Aldrich that night. Those 2 fella decided to move one street away to preserve their mental health and sanity. And they didn't want to spend the night in an Indonesian jail for unruly behaviour.
   We finished singing when the third bottle of Single Malt ran out.
   It was to be a horrid second day.
   We only have 2 bottles of Single Malts left.

   Un'beliveable

BROMO Revisit 2019

Second Time Coming. Bromo 2019.

   This will end up being a super long winded Blog about 24 clowns contributing to the economy of Malang. I will try my best to break it up into sections and days so you fellas can scroll back to re-read any bits you missed during your morning toilet visit. I have been told numerous times, this Blog is best read when you are attempting to clear your bowels in the morning. And i honestly believe i should be paid for helping you pass motion with a smile on your face. Here we go.

   This plan to visit Bromo again was made at the beginning of the year. We visited Bromo 2 years ago. It was so much fun eating volcanic dust and spicy sambal. And not having to be home 5 days in a row to wash the toilet made this trip impossible to miss. Proposal thrown out to the group. 24 immediately signed up for the trip. Madam President was given the task of handling the accommodations and ride plans with Antony. Ex-President Manta was given the task of making sure we had enough beer and the correct type of Single Malts for the 5 days. Long story short. Flight booked. Hotel booked. Beer pre-ordered. And away we go.

Day 0. / Thursday.
   A few decided to come one day early to spend the night at the airport, seeing that the flight was at 0700 hours. Somehow, it made sense to these few jokers that arriving earlier to drink beer was an obligation they could not ignore. Turns out these few jokers were not the actual early birds. 2 even more extreme kiasu cuckoo birds were actually earlier arrivals. These 2 cuckoo bird were somehow unconvinced the group will actually show up in Surabaya. So, this pair decided to fly in to Surabaya a day earlier. Just to be sure the ride was proceeding as planned. Until today, we remain unsure if they held hands when they flew in.

   By 0400 hours, the herd started trickling in. Managed to get all the clowns checked in at the counter without much drama this time around. Gerard did his usual, he brought enough to go for a war tour in Syria. And have enough left to visit neighbouring Turkey if the war ended early. You can never be too sure or under prepared for any eventualities.
   Up and away.

Day 1. / Surabaya.
   Landed without any hiccups. Checked out and found Antony grinning at us. Indra came along smiling. Iqbal the ever so friendly driver stood alongside. Familiar faces all over. Even the airport cleaner looked familiar. Hello said. Hands shook. Bikes counted. Bags loaded. The usual nonsense. Phone card bought. Phone checked. Correct data and password given and shared. Password repeated out again. Most Facebook pages uploaded. Whatsapp checked. WeChat checked. Recheck allocated data for the entire 5 days. Password rechecked again.
   Into the van we obediently rolled in.
   Lunch.
   First lunch in Surabaya was in this non descript shop located at the side of the main road. The herd walked in. Lady owner almost ran out. All other guest could only stare. Aaahhh... this is how it feels like being a Chinese tourist from the village. Noisy. Uncouth. Phone camera snapping at everything that moves or hangs. Touching everything within reach. Made a fuss about the heat and the toilet without aircon.

Sambal and Basil.

   Antony almost had a heart seizure pretending to listen to 22 chimps begging to be fed. Finally it was decided. Antony will do the food selections. We wait like obedient primates. Of course, all this happened after Antony took out the chilled Bintang Beer. Beer works like magic on VC and CT. In any event or crisis, give these 2 beer and all is pretty again. You could safely serve them fried crickets, they will slap you on the back affectionately and  compliment you on the wise selection.
   Lunch done.
   Towards Halogen Hotel to unpack the bikes.


   Arrived Halogen and all hell broke loose.
   Antony and crew must have had so much fun watching the circus come to town. Watching 22 chimps pretending to assemble their expensive bikes. Knowing none of them knows what they were doing. A few tried looking like they knew what was happening. Dotty stood there blinking at her bike. She was hoping the blinking would somehow magically convince her bike to assemble itself. Oily and Aunty13 decided to join the blinking party. Jowei took his bike out and started scratching his hair that he doesn't have. CT and VC popped their 4th can of beer and started congratulating each other on the job well done. Their bikes remained in the box. That can wait. Chill beer getting warm is improper. Sacrilege if you ask them. Heavens no..... We are civilized people. Please.
    Fong decided to go for a walk. Tailook tried to ask the driver for help in Cantonese. Manta was getting very windy. Aldrich continued smiling at himself. Tycoon and Desmond decided to stop whatever they were doing and come out from their shared room to come help by watching. It was utter chaos for an hour or so.
   Bikes done and loaded. Now it time to head towards Malang. A 2 hour drive to our designated hotel.

Watch the finger.

   Arrived at Harris Hotel.
   Our accommodation / drinking hole for the next 3 days.  We somehow managed to sort out who sleeps with who for the next 3 days. Towards our rooms. Time to finally start drinking all the beer we pre-ordered. CT and VC started to work out a proper and systematic plan on how much time they have left to drink.

" We have 3 hours before dinner. If we stop talking and just focus on drinking. I think we can catch up on the the 2 hours we had to stop drinking because MAS says we can't drink on the plane. Let's go bro.... Come."

   The troop met up for dinner.
   Dinner was in Araya. Some posh restaurant located 40 minutes away. The ambiance and setting was perfect. We can't help but gawked. It felt like we were transported to the set of  " A Chinese Ghost Story ". I was waiting for Leslie Cheung to fly past.

   Honestly.
   I thought i was attending a Tycoon's wake.
   Dinner took about 2 hours. As usual, someone did not get his food. Someone needed to go poo halfway through dinner. Fong wandered off and got left behind. Dotty eating someone else's share. Aunty13 posing with every other table and chair she finds. Manta flew all the way to Surabaya, and opted to eat Chicken Chop. Tycoon couldn't figure out why the Bebek was the size of his apple. Tailook wanted Cantonese Fried Noodles. Aldrich stopped smiling at the red lantern.
   The bill came up to 3 million Rupiah.
   Thank god we have beer to calm our nerves....

   Back to the hotel.
   I don't remember what time we finished drinking.
   Day 1 ends in a blur of shouting and someone getting left behind.

  Un'believable.

Rimbayu Newbie Ride.... again.

21st JULY 2019 Rimbayu Charity Ride.

How's that for a Sunday morning?...

   As the name suggested, we had another newbie ride at the same location. According to Mother Hen Dotty, the newbies enjoyed their first introductory ride here so much they couldn't help but asked for another introductory ride again. Of course, we were instructed to bring the bikes and helmets. And smile. And make sure there was enough water to wake any fainting newbie.

   Yaa daa ,Yaa daa, Yaa daa..... Sunday came. Made my way straight to the meet point. Picked up a lost Manta at the Rimbayu roundabout. Took a slower drive to cross the bridge. Didn't want the poor old Manta to rev and stress the old Opel. Was told the Opel was due to be sold for RM1.20 a kilo. Due to a leaky engine that was making Bandar Utama car park a potential health hazard. Somehow, the Old Opel read my mind. Heard Manta honking at me as i took a turn. Stopped.

   " You might wanna do something about the bike. It looks like it's going to do a jailbreak. Or give your windshield a hug..."

   Oh. Bike tried to perform an escape trick. I thought Manta was going to offer me a bun.
   How disappointing.
   Reset the bike...

   Arrived and voila....!!!
   A mini jamboree of sort was already in place. There were so many people and cars. Looked like an early morning Taichi session was about to take place.
   Parked. Got off and started unloading. Had a bit of chit chat with VC. Whispered to DotM about how healthy Dotty has become. Unker was busy giving instructions. Nobody was listening. Unker continued giving instructions. Aunty 13 came along. Flashing her Miss Ipoh smile. Ah Loy came up. Dennis came up. Both started congratulating each other on the fat level gained within the past months. Ivan came. Annie came. Newbie Vivian came grinning. Li Ann gave instruction to Connie. Connie nodded to every other living creature within her sight. Including the stray dog sleeping on the grass.

Unker failed to auction off this ...

   The usual ride briefing by Unker as the Ride Leader. Counted 50 heads. Manta was beaming with pride at the turn out. Aunty 13 continued flashing her beauty pageant smile at anyone looking at her. Dotty gave her personal briefing to the newbie in Mandarin. Then in Cantonese. All newbies nodded like obedient little goats. Vivian continued grinning.
   And away we went.
   Nonsensical chatter heard all along the warm up ride along the cemetery towards the trail head. Nobody paid any attention to the dead cat along the way. Good weather. Cool and breezy.

   Arrived at the trail head. All accounted for. This time, Li Ann managed to leave the car park and stay within the pack. Wuhoo... Unker was mighty glad he did not have to return to retrieve her. Amelia gave a briefing to the newbie on what to eat before the ride. Yong Li nodded as all good primary students do when told to line up. He even offered to put both hands on Connie's shoulder just to make sure the line was straight.
   Up the staircase we walked. Vivian attempted to ride up. Overtook Mother Hen Dotty. Vivian had the good sense to stop right before the top of the staircase. Pretended to look tired. Dotty lazer eyed Vivian from the back. I was afraid for Vivian. Amelia's continuous chatter broke the tense situation. Nobody knows exactly what Amelia was saying. I firmly told Ricky.

   " Please. No more giving that one MILO. Can't you see how hyper she is? If she continues like this the whole morning. You are gonna get kicked in the butt by 10:00 am."

   So we rode along the cool palm oil plantation for the next 30 minutes. Pretty much everyone was lost in their own thoughts. Unker continued barking out instructions. No one paid him any attention. Mother Hen Dotty had herself surrounded by her brood of chicks. Patiently keeping them in line. Pecking at those lagging behind. Reminding Connie to continue breathing. Still keeping her eye on Vivian attempting to ride up the hills. Amelia continued saying something in Cantonese. Yong Li pretending to listen. Annie and Ivan rode slower and slower on purpose i suspect.

This 2 came to upload their Facebook.

   Came to the first rutty downhill. Caught up with the newbie pack. Like obedient lemmings, all dove into the downhill. Amelia first. Then Li Ann. I took a good look and nearly had a stroke. Li Ann trying to keep up with "Milo / Sugar infused Amelia" flew off her saddle. Landed back on her saddle and happily bounced down the trail. Totally oblivious to the jaw dropping sound i made.
   Took off after her to make sure she bounced correctly. Rode down 10 meters and heard Mother Hen screaming. Looked back. Saw Connie attempting to get a mud facial while riding down the hill.

   Connie is all natural.

   She wanted to have a good look at the ground. Connie decided to bounce off her bike and take a closer look at the ground. Connie also wanted to find out how strong Dotty's heart was. Connie scraped 2 feet of the ground with her right cheek and nose. Dotty sounds really husky when she screams. Some may find a chubby woman with a husky voice sexy but that's another matter. Let's not stray away from stage diver Connie now.
   Connie stayed close to the ground for a few minutes. Dennis came running right behind to make sure the bike was not scratched. Annie sat down and took her apple out. Ivan came closer to have a look. At his age, anything further than 5 feet looks the same. Anyone further than 5 feet also looks the same. We could hear Amelia chattering away in the distance. Mother Hen Dotty sat next to Connie. Helped Connie sit up. Gave Connie water. Gently reminded Connie to breathe. Connie managed to blink twice.

   " Take your time. Breathe. This is normal. Don't panic. We have all been through this. Breathe. It's nothing new to fall down doing this. All of us have fallen down and gotten scarred doing this. "

   Dennis showed Connie his calf with a long scar on it.
   Ah Loy showed Connie how fat he has become.
   Ivan showed Connie his bald head.
   Annie chewed her apple quietly.
 
  " Look at me Connie. When i started riding MTB. I fell a lot also. Just like you, i fell face first many times. I fell so many times i lost count. I was once a "B". Now i am an "A". It's ok. Nothing to worry about.... "

   Connie caught her breathe after a few minutes. We cleaned her up as best as we could for the moment. Dennis dusted the bike. Bravely mounting her bike, Connie rode down and we caught up with the main pack of goats. Explained to the Manta what transpired. He was disappointed. He couldn't believe Annie didn't share her apple with him.

Dorothy taking photo of her nose.

   So we continued riding along the palm oil plantation and tea farm. The usual chatter heard. Took a break at the tea processing factory. The newbies decided they wanted to have a cake. Newbie also decided they wanted to sing their Sunday Mummy a birthday song. Unker barked instructions. Newbies continued singing. Unker rode off. Newbies cut cake and started congratulating each other on not dying in a tea plantation. Vivian grinned with a cheek full of cake. Like a squirrel. Except less furry.

   Finally got the newbies to continue riding and caught up with the main group. Group rode happily for 15 minutes along the tea farm. Made it to the actual apple break location. Newbie decided they wanted to continue eating their cake. Newbie ate cake and congratulated each other on not dying in a palm oil plantation.
   50 sweaty riders. Plenty of chatter. Apples. Oranges. Chocolate bar. Muesli bar. Butter cake. Grapes. Photo taking for proof that we actually rode our bikes. More chatter.

   Newbies decided to give Connie a facial. They did not want Connie to die from her wounds. Newbies somehow managed to convince Billie to share her concentrated Tea Tree Oil. Billie is a female by the way. And we do not want to know why anyone would have a bag of facial product in their cycling bag. There was a bottle of toner, cotton swab and most likely a paper face mask as well. And we also do not know why a proper decent woman would name herself after a goat. Amelia applied the oil on Connie's wounds. My eyes grew big.Connie's eyes grew as well. I don't think Amelia likes Connie very much. The rest of the newbies clapped. I cringed... I made myself a promise to never ever fall and get hurt in front of this bunch of sadist.

49 goats.

   After awhile, Unker decided it was time to go get his beer.
   Away we rode. Pretty much uneventful for the next 40 minutes as we all rode and chatted back towards the car. No more riders crashing. Apple breaks done. Cake eaten. Good weather. Everyone had a smile on their face. Mummy Hen Dotty was flushed with pride on how well her chicks performed. Vivian was grinning. Annie and Ivan didn't have to watch me repair any puncture. Albert didn't need Judy to help him push his bike to the car. Dennis and Loy couldn't wait to go get their second breakfast. Shamoon was the happiest today.
   He took a boy into the bush.

   Un'believable.  

KIARA Ride 7th JULY 2019.

Wet Wet Wet....


   The list was long. Registration almost filled to the limit. 21 Pax. Don't play play...
 Everyone calling each other Hero and Heroines even before the ride commence. All sorts of plans made. Refuelling points scouted. Chickens cleaned and primed.

PART 1. 
Bikewash / START
Office / Over time
Coronary Bypass
Magic Carpet / Magic Circle
2K to Cross Road
Kawan-Kawan
Lower Shot Chicken


PART 2.
Snakes & Ladders
Twin Peaks
chicken loop / Brew House
Pure Quill
Round the Mountain
Janie's Addiction
Boner
RnR at Desa Hartamas

PART 3.
Old Lakeside Trail
Playmates
Plan C
GBC
Wasteland
Barrakuda Out
Lower Shot Chicken

PART 4.
Dirty Deeds
Ohlins / Sidewinder
Boulder / Barakuda Out
2K Bottom Half to Crossroad 4K
Lungbuster
Bikewash / FINISH

   The plan was to complete 30km of Kiara. Then proceed to the official clubhouse for the post ride celebration. Checked. The beer promotion was still available. Up till late or last working kidney. Or whoever sings Happy Birthday the loudest.

   Come Sunday.

   Phone starts blinking like Christmas. Woke up to 154 Whatsapp Messages. Huh? Didn't we win the election already? Why the flooding? Scratched a bit of something. Spidey walk myself to the toilet for the usual pre-ride gossip reading on the the throne. Blinked.

   One by one. Riders were dropping out like dead lemmings. First out was Oily. She claims her tummy was upset with her. She couldn't find her 6 pack. Next up Jowei. He claimed he ran out of hair shampoo. VC said he felt cold all over. Bob said he was headed out towards Kiara. Then he remembered he has goat genes. Rain makes him itchy. Borky changed his mind because his twin Bob pulled out. Razlan claimed he drove all the way there to be told to go home by some superior powers that be. Pete claimed he was stuck to his toilet bowl. Ricky had no excuses. So he showed up alone at the car park. And waited like all good boys should be, when told to wait.

This is Ricky.

   Choi claimed he lost his nuts. Mei clearly told us she is allergic to Nutella. Tey suddenly developed logic. Borky re-text to claim his injured knee was still uncooperative. Dennis suddenly remembered he has a business trip to Manila on Monday. So he can't ride Kiara.
   KC woke his spirit up to go riding around the housing area lor. VC suggested someone go open Brewhouse at 8am. WC added sealant but still couldn't figure out why it continued raining. He was sure he added in the correct amount of sealant. Sealant. Not milk he stole from his kid.
   VH decided to come Kiara. For breakfast.
   5 more claimed their phone ran out battery. Unker was apologetic. He was getting married. The other UMNO boy claimed the doctor was at fault for not letting his mum rest at home and somehow, someone was corrupted. And he had to go review the video for proof. Albert had his nasi lemak at home. Gerard wished someone had sent him the tracklog for Kiara.

Mud eating party of  9.

   Ride finally took off at 9:00 am.
   9 out of 21 showed up.
   Kiara 3.0 became Kiara 4.0 hours with 12.8km distance covered.
   And the call me the Un'believable.

   My Bak Kut Teh was served piping hot. I stared at the rising steam for the longest time. Hmmm.... Pretty sure this taste much better than wet mud and sweaty apples. Went back to sleep, woke up for my Curry Fish Head lunch. Stared at my curry stained fingers, wondered how Handsome Hanz will feel now if i send him a photo of the Grouper Head i am having a staring contest with. Aunty 13 must be having so much fun watching her maid wash her poo colored jersey. Ricky... well, this one just smiles a lot. Ask him yourself when you see him.
   Sigh.... 3.0 worrr....

  Un'believable.
 

KIARA Mudd Invitation 7th JULY 2019

MUDD Kiara 3.0

   An open invitation for those whom are foolish enough to show up. The plan this Sunday is to ride till you drop in Kiara. Why you ask? Well, the old goats are getting senile. May as well enjoy what's left inside the cranium before we start losing it all. And that will also be the only way they could justify another beer run on a Sunday afternoon.
   Ride starts 7:30 am.
   Well, that's the plan. With the usual bullshit and hellos. Ride actually starts when everyone actually shows up or someone gets tired of standing around kicking pebbles into the drain.
   The last MUDD took 27km of Kiara. We gave up at 3:00pm. This time around. We are aiming for 30km. And most likely 60 mugs of beer and self congratulatory nonsense for a job well done. I suspect we will more likely achieve and surpass the 60 mugs target by 3:00pm.
   See you Mother Kiara.

Un'believable.